DOGBERT MANAGEMENT HANDBOOK PDF

Though amusing and bitingly satirical, its content is not particularly original and most of the jokes are predictable fare I tend to think of this as the follow-up piece to The Dilbert Principle. In How to Fail at Almost Everything and Still Win Big, Adams shares the strategy he has used since he was a teen to invite failure in, to embrace it, then pick its pocket. However the accompanying text is a blast to read. Exhibit your keen conceptual grasp of the big picture 3. In this insightful program, Dr. Dilbert is sweeping the nation.

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But alas! It was not to be "The best laid plans of mice and men I joined a pioneering fertiliser manufacturing company as Management Trainee, and they set about the process of transforming us trainees into "managers", with gusto.

For a When I obtained my Chemical Engineering degree way back in , I thought I would spend my working days in mathematical bliss, dealing with sexy entities such as partial differential equations and Laplace transforms we geeks are like that.

For a period of eighteen days, we were ensconced in a training centre and subjected to high intensity training sessions which included lectures, presentations and games. We were taught such high level concepts as "empowerment", "motivaton", "time management" etc. Managers were defined by what they do - which was, well, manage. After the training, I was posted in a factory where I had to manage highly unionised, illiterate and belligerent labourers, among others, and I learnt the art the hard way.

After five years of this, I moved on to the design wing, and met my old friends the mathematical equations who did not require to be managed. I lived in relative bliss until , when I was promoted as the head of department in my current company, and I had to be a manager, again. But now, thankfully, I have Dogbert to help me! As a manager you could do a lot of thinking, experimenting, and continuous training. Or you can just do what everyone else does and blindly follow my directions like an unthinking zombie.

In fact, the pay is better, if you look at it from an hourly perspective. So keep reading. Listen carefully to the zombie-like speech patterns of other managers and try to imitate them. If you hear a new management buzzword, jump on it like a starving squirrel on the last peanut on earth. Some rookie managers make the mistake of inviting input from the employees, hoping for some valuable insight or contribution. As far as unwarranted optimism goes, this is roughly equivalent to panning for gold in your own shower.

Clear your desk by assigning tasks to the powerless dolts trapped in the meeting. Exhibit your keen conceptual grasp of the big picture 3. Avoid answering any questions. Nothing good ever came from a management decision. Avoid making decisions whenever possible.

They can only get you in trouble. Leadership skills are quite different from management skills. Obviously, leadership is a better way to go. When we are born, all humans are clueless, self-absorbed, and helpless.

Most babies will grow out of it. There are many hours in the day that get wasted because employees insist on eating, sleeping, and procreating. You can reduce those unproductive periods by forcing them to work unpaid overtime. Refer to it as a "commitment to professionalism" or some other noble-sounding name. Rumors are an excellent way to keep your employees nervous and edgy, which is similar to being alert.

In other words, everyone wins. As a manager, you will have the least amount of useful information of anyone in the organization. You can compensate for that by being the one who does all the presenting. Use computer slide shows and overhead transparencies to disguise your cluelessness. Your stature as a leader grows primarily through the process of getting lots of attention. But if you screw up a huge project, your boss will slither aside faster than an adder at the Ice Capades.

Your name will become forever linked with the epic failure you have created. Everyone else will either be busy or unknown. Empowerment is the process of shifting blame from yourself to the employees.

According to highly paid consultants , this will make the employees happier, thus reducing their unreasonable demands for a living wage. Find the most useless employee in your department and put that person in charge of whatever the new management initiative is.

Give that person a title like "Manager of Excellence in Customer Care. In the unlikely event that your job generates any real work, fob it off on your underlings by having them form "self-managed teams. Despite the fact that your soul abandoned your body when you became a manager, there will still be some corporate tasks that are so horrible, so evil, that you will not be able to do them yourself.

For these situations you need a human resources staff. Some people are naturally equipped for careers in human resources. In other cultures these folks would become serial killers or ruthless despots.

But we live in a civilized society, so these irrepressible scamps can channel their talents into the field of human resources instead. The physical laws of time and space were meant to be broken.

When in doubt, ask for status reports. Low morale is caused by character flaws in your employees. If ten people can complete a project in ten days, then one person can complete the project in one day. Teamwork is when other people do your work for you. Employee illness is a manifestation of laziness. Abuse is a form of recognition. And recognition is what every employee wants.

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Dogbert's Top Secret Management Handbook

Main article: Dilbert character The main character in the strip, Dilbert is a technically-minded single white male. Until October , he was usually depicted wearing a white dress shirt, black trousers and a red-and-black striped tie that inexplicably curves upward; after October 13, , his standard apparel changed to a red polo shirt with a name badge on a lanyard around his neck. Scott Adams states that he never named him so that people can imagine him to be their boss. In earlier strips he was depicted as a stereotypical late-middle-aged balding middle manager with jowls; it was not until later that he developed his signature "pointy hair" and the jowls disappeared.

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